April 05, 2005 - 11:15 p.m. My oldest demon is perfectionism. This one has been with me since I came into this world and will probably still haunt me to my grave. Perhaps it is difficult to understand, but I believe I have already fought and conquered parts of this multi-faceted enemy. I am so much better than I used to be about accepting when I make mistakes in school or fall up the stairs; I can handle my imperfection when it has to do with school or with my rather clumsy motion. But my monster still lurks under my bed when it comes to my relationships. I still fail to accept myself in my interactions with others; I mask my emotions for fear of "feeling the wrong thing." I examine myself and try to list out who I am, but in doing so I limit my authenticity. I try to control me. Maybe you never really noticed how cold I seem when I don't know how to respond. Maybe you never really missed the empathy that I killed in order to be unfettered by your pain. Maybe you disagree with me and feel the need to rush and assure me that I am not so flawed as I think I am, that this is just another example of my perfectionism, but I already know these things. Today I inadvertently pulled all of this out from under wherever I had laid it. I've been so selfish trying to say all the things that everyone wants to hear, trying to control the situation, trying to prove to you all that I am right. But it's been so long that I don't even really know how to be myself. I feel a little bit cracked and that everyone can see. And I pray, God, that if You're going to crack me, that you'd just shatter me to bits and make me new. I'd rather surrender to it all now than be broken down bit by bit. ...before & after...