October 17, 2004 - 10:25 a.m. Is it bad to admit that I feel like I spent the last year in a dark room straining my ears and my eyes, stumbling around with my hands in front of me, searching for God? I felt like all of the sudden God was silent, playing some cosmic game of hide-and-go-seek. I knew He must be in this room, and I did look for Him. I went to church. I prayed. I wrote to Him. I comforted others when they felt like they couldn't see His face. But secretly, I was just as blind or blinder than they. I didn't try to fill His spot with food or boys or television or breaking the rules. I didn't pretend that He didn't exist. I just wanted to feel close to God again like I did at the beginning of high school, when I knew. This is all coming out now because I have a really good friend who has a really good Friend and the three of us had a really good talk last night. God has always spoken to me through other people, I just don't know why we weren't able to connect before. Isn't there something about going all the way down before you can come back up? Did I really have to get spiritually exhausted before I could get a good night's sleep? I've heard of one or two who are in the same position that I was a year ago. I know that they're about ready to pull out their own hair just to feel something break the numbness. I know they look at their previous selves and wonder how it could have happened. I know they want to go forward or backward, just not right here. I know, truly I do. And I would say to pray, but sometimes that doesn't do any good. Perhaps we sometimes just have to wait in silence, be patient and forget our pride until we realize that our game of hide-and-go-seek was really the other way, and that one of these days God will bump into us again. It is an interminable wait, but if you wait, He will come. ...before & after...