November 18, 2004 - 11:32 p.m. I'm so distracted, and it's ridiculous. But as Nyssa reminds me, sometimes ridiculous things are good too. I wake up every morning so that I can go down to breakfast. I time my going up stairs and my walking to class. I have an uncanny ability to guess that stupid t-shirt. I love the sound of the phone ringing. I fall asleep with a stupid grin on my face because I know that it will all happen again--but better--tomorrow. Yet I waver at uncertainty. I think what really gets me is imagining things changing. I try and try and pray and pray that I'll have the faith to just let life happen without trying to skip over chunks of it. I'm trying not to fast forward through the exciting moments in favor of the casual spans. This is about risk; this is about finally having a reason to get messy. I fear to write it all down for fear that it will all be true except for part. I don't even know what to do with myself. But I spend all day doing it anyway. ...before & after...